All of a sudden I felt crippled
Sanjay
Sanjay
As far as pain, post-operation, is concerned … you get given quite a lot of painkillers, however as a patient you think, will I be able to cope with the pain, will I be able to cope with some of the stresses that’s associated with this pain that it’s going to give me. I hadn’t really dwelt too much on that prior to my operation, in fact I thought I wasn’t going to come out anyway – I wasn’t going to be around to be thinking about the pain – so it was a bit of a surprise when I did wake up after my operation.
But the pain wasn’t really a factor, it wasn’t something that bothered me. The fact that I got a life back was far more important than the short-term pain that was involved in this process and also getting better. That, you know, would be the last of my worries as a patient, because you – there’s medication to treat and deal with the pain.
The thing that I hadn’t expected was my mental state. I became quite depressed, about 5 years after my transplant. And I had to have some therapy as a result. And a lot of my inner feelings that I had maybe suppressed came to the forefront. And I was very ill, I still have to take medication for depression. But I think that’s part of the process. As I said, I just was not expecting it. I’ve always been a self-sufficient person. I’ve been pretty much alone since the age of 15; worked, lived by myself, made my own decisions. And all of a sudden felt crippled by this mental disorder that I had. I didn't initially accept that I was getting depressed. I just got some really horrible feelings … I wouldn’t spend time with my family, when my children came home I just wanted to go alone, be upstairs, and this was so unusual for me. And I had this growing sense of guilt. Eventually went to see the GP and had some medication, which didn't totally solve the problem.
It was a course of CBT, which really helped me to analyse about my upbringing, and some of the abuse that I’d had in my very, very young days. And I had just buried, buried all those feelings. And for some reason they just came out. In a way I’m glad they came out because I’ve sorted them now, I’ve really sorted them – I’ve put my life on track. And a lot of the things that I’d felt guilty about – they weren’t my fault. Things were done to me, whereas I felt the guilt.
But the pain wasn’t really a factor, it wasn’t something that bothered me. The fact that I got a life back was far more important than the short-term pain that was involved in this process and also getting better. That, you know, would be the last of my worries as a patient, because you – there’s medication to treat and deal with the pain.
The thing that I hadn’t expected was my mental state. I became quite depressed, about 5 years after my transplant. And I had to have some therapy as a result. And a lot of my inner feelings that I had maybe suppressed came to the forefront. And I was very ill, I still have to take medication for depression. But I think that’s part of the process. As I said, I just was not expecting it. I’ve always been a self-sufficient person. I’ve been pretty much alone since the age of 15; worked, lived by myself, made my own decisions. And all of a sudden felt crippled by this mental disorder that I had. I didn't initially accept that I was getting depressed. I just got some really horrible feelings … I wouldn’t spend time with my family, when my children came home I just wanted to go alone, be upstairs, and this was so unusual for me. And I had this growing sense of guilt. Eventually went to see the GP and had some medication, which didn't totally solve the problem.
It was a course of CBT, which really helped me to analyse about my upbringing, and some of the abuse that I’d had in my very, very young days. And I had just buried, buried all those feelings. And for some reason they just came out. In a way I’m glad they came out because I’ve sorted them now, I’ve really sorted them – I’ve put my life on track. And a lot of the things that I’d felt guilty about – they weren’t my fault. Things were done to me, whereas I felt the guilt.