I would gladly have died that day after
Colin
I had a hernia operation recently and that’s quite a lot of pain after that. But I honestly don't remember any at all [after my liver transplant]. I mean I must have had some but I don't remember any pain at all and – and I don't think it’s because it’s 25 years ago, I think it’s just that, you know, there was a painkilling regime in hospital, and it it worked! It worked really well. And I wasn’t in pain before the operation. I was uncomfortable, but I was just weak, you know? Not painful. I just thought of the operations as … you go to sleep, and you wake up when it’s over. I had no thinking about being cut open, there wasn’t that sense at all.
When I went to see the consultant after I'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and the first thing he said to me is ‘Look it’s not a cancer, you’re not going to die.’ And I thought [laughing] this is really good news, you know, I’m glad I came! And he said, ‘What you’ve got is liver failure… we’ll just get you a new liver’. I said, ‘What do you mean, just get me a new one? Just like that?’ And he said ‘Yeah, we’ll get you a new liver, they do them now.’ So I thought well, that’s OK! I’m not sure I really believed him, but from there I was sort of focused the next six weeks, I knew what I needed was a new liver.
But then the day after the operation, I woke up and … I wanted to die. It was just the silliest day I’ve ever had in my life – I went into this sort of catatonic state, because I felt really guilty about having had a liver. I was middle class, working for a charity, with two young children, and I just got it in my head that I'd put to the top of the list when I shouldn't be. And when I was young I used to drink a bit – I hadn’t drunk for twenty odd years – but I had done when I was young, and I just thought this is wrong, I shouldn't have this. So, I was lying there and I wouldn't move, in bed. And there was this consultant called Prem Mistry, who was the guy who looked after me – he was a registrar I think then, and he’s now Professor of Medicine at Harvard – and he said to the nurses, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll sort him out.’ [laughing]
And I remember he sent everybody out, closed all the curtains round me, and came up and sat and talked to me, and I wouldn’t look at him, I wouldn’t talk to him, and he said, ‘Oh I think, Colin, we need to do a test.’ And he got hold of this – you know the hammer they use to test your reflexes? – and I thought I thought to myself, I can make sure this doesn't work. And he turned it round, and the other end’s a pointed end, and he just jabbed it in my knee, and I went ‘Ow! Christ!’ [laughing] And he said, ‘Oh, you’re back talking, then?’
And I was OK after that, we had a little chat. But, you know, it’s just kind of barmy. I would gladly have died that day after – and you think [whispered] this is just shocking, you know? You shouldn’t do this, but I suppose that was medication and everything, as much as anything else. But I did feel really, really bad that next day. And a couple of days later I was fine.
When I went to see the consultant after I'd been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and the first thing he said to me is ‘Look it’s not a cancer, you’re not going to die.’ And I thought [laughing] this is really good news, you know, I’m glad I came! And he said, ‘What you’ve got is liver failure… we’ll just get you a new liver’. I said, ‘What do you mean, just get me a new one? Just like that?’ And he said ‘Yeah, we’ll get you a new liver, they do them now.’ So I thought well, that’s OK! I’m not sure I really believed him, but from there I was sort of focused the next six weeks, I knew what I needed was a new liver.
But then the day after the operation, I woke up and … I wanted to die. It was just the silliest day I’ve ever had in my life – I went into this sort of catatonic state, because I felt really guilty about having had a liver. I was middle class, working for a charity, with two young children, and I just got it in my head that I'd put to the top of the list when I shouldn't be. And when I was young I used to drink a bit – I hadn’t drunk for twenty odd years – but I had done when I was young, and I just thought this is wrong, I shouldn't have this. So, I was lying there and I wouldn't move, in bed. And there was this consultant called Prem Mistry, who was the guy who looked after me – he was a registrar I think then, and he’s now Professor of Medicine at Harvard – and he said to the nurses, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll sort him out.’ [laughing]
And I remember he sent everybody out, closed all the curtains round me, and came up and sat and talked to me, and I wouldn’t look at him, I wouldn’t talk to him, and he said, ‘Oh I think, Colin, we need to do a test.’ And he got hold of this – you know the hammer they use to test your reflexes? – and I thought I thought to myself, I can make sure this doesn't work. And he turned it round, and the other end’s a pointed end, and he just jabbed it in my knee, and I went ‘Ow! Christ!’ [laughing] And he said, ‘Oh, you’re back talking, then?’
And I was OK after that, we had a little chat. But, you know, it’s just kind of barmy. I would gladly have died that day after – and you think [whispered] this is just shocking, you know? You shouldn’t do this, but I suppose that was medication and everything, as much as anything else. But I did feel really, really bad that next day. And a couple of days later I was fine.